Famous author offers graduates a glimpse of the future

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Greetings, graduates. I am Dr. Souse. You all grew up reading my books, and you’ll remember such delightful titles as "Green Eggs and Ham Causes Botulism Scare" and "Horton Hears a Who and is Put On Prozac."

I have always been willing to introduce a dose of reality into your otherwise sheltered lives, and in that spirit I would like to offer a preview of your future that I call "Oh, the Places You’ll Stay."

 
 
 

Congratulations!

You’ve got your diploma

For sitting in classes

Like you’re in a deep coma

You have cobwebs in your brain

And rocks in your shoes

And you’ll probably flop

Whatever direction you choose

Set to take on the world

The sky seems the limit

Life is an ocean

But you’ll barely skim it

You think you’ll get rich

Or write a best-seller

But you’ll likely end up

Another cubicle dweller

Now, going to college

You’ll never regret

You’ll get a noodle full of knowledge

And a mountain of debt

Oh, the places you’ll stay

Firmly stuck in a rut

Behind four beige walls

You’ll sit on your butt!

You’ll take useless advise,

Lacking imagination,

And at last hit the wall

Of your procrastination

You may start out fast

And wander and roam

But end up right back

In your parents’ home

Don’t despair!

There’s laundry service there

And food in the Frigidaire

Out there things will happen

(As they usually do)

Stuff sure can happen

And it’ll happen to you!

With your cobwebby head

And sore, rocky toe-zes

Don’t expect that your life

Will start coming up roses

You’ll have messy break-ups

With significant others

And bosses that turn out

To be real nasty mothers

 

Oh! The places you’ll stay!

Opportunities lost!

Dreams unfulfilled!

Horizons uncrossed!

You’ll just need a breather

From a world that’s so scary

And take a position

"That’s just temporary"

And you’ll wait

And you’ll wait

And you’ll wait, wait, wait, wait

It’s the one thing you’ll hate

As you wait, wait, wait, wait

Wait for a raise

Wait for promotions

Wait for assignments

Away ‘cross the ocean

But you’ll wait

And you’ll wait

Things won’t be great

As you wait, wait, wait, wait

Projects you’ll screw up

Duties you’re shirking

Surfing the ‘Net

When you ought to be working

 

Sooner or later

You’ll find a spouse

Lose all your hair

And get big as a house

Then people much younger,

Less-qualified, too

Will be given the job

Telling you what to do

When the economy tanks,

Landing flat on its belly,

You’ll watch as your job

Gets outsourced to New Dehli

Now a greeter at Wal-Mart

With two college degrees

With cobwebby hair

And knockety knees

You thought you’d move mountains

And live as you choose

Too bad that the mountain

Fell down on upon youze!

Here come the youngsters

It’s no longer your day

They’re faster and smarter

So…Get out of the way!

Dr. Souse is the nom de plume of John Matuszak. Illustrations are by Matt Wyatt, with sincere apologies to the good Doctor.

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