Greetings, graduates. I am Dr. Souse. You all grew up reading my books, and you’ll remember such delightful titles as "Green Eggs and Ham Causes Botulism Scare" and "Horton Hears a Who and is Put On Prozac."
I have always been willing to introduce a dose of reality into your otherwise sheltered lives, and in that spirit I would like to offer a preview of your future that I call "Oh, the Places You’ll Stay."
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Congratulations!
You’ve got your diploma
For sitting in classes
Like you’re in a deep coma
You have cobwebs in your brain
And rocks in your shoes
And you’ll probably flop
Whatever direction you choose
Set to take on the world
The sky seems the limit
Life is an ocean
But you’ll barely skim it
You think you’ll get rich
Or write a best-seller
But you’ll likely end up
Another cubicle dweller
Now, going to college
You’ll never regret
You’ll get a noodle full of knowledge
And a mountain of debt
Oh, the places you’ll stay
Firmly stuck in a rut
Behind four beige walls
You’ll sit on your butt!
You’ll take useless advise,
Lacking imagination,
And at last hit the wall
Of your procrastination
You may start out fast
And wander and roam
But end up right back
In your parents’ home
Don’t despair!
There’s laundry service there
And food in the Frigidaire
Out there things will happen
(As they usually do)
Stuff sure can happen
And it’ll happen to you!
With your cobwebby head
And sore, rocky toe-zes
Don’t expect that your life
Will start coming up roses
You’ll have messy break-ups
With significant others
And bosses that turn out
To be real nasty mothers
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Oh! The places you’ll stay!
Opportunities lost!
Dreams unfulfilled!
Horizons uncrossed!
You’ll just need a breather
From a world that’s so scary
And take a position
"That’s just temporary"
And you’ll wait
And you’ll wait
And you’ll wait, wait, wait, wait
It’s the one thing you’ll hate
As you wait, wait, wait, wait
Wait for a raise
Wait for promotions
Wait for assignments
Away ‘cross the ocean
But you’ll wait
And you’ll wait
Things won’t be great
As you wait, wait, wait, wait
Projects you’ll screw up
Duties you’re shirking
Surfing the ‘Net
When you ought to be working
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Sooner or later
You’ll find a spouse
Lose all your hair
And get big as a house
Then people much younger,
Less-qualified, too
Will be given the job
Telling you what to do
When the economy tanks,
Landing flat on its belly,
You’ll watch as your job
Gets outsourced to New Dehli
Now a greeter at Wal-Mart
With two college degrees
With cobwebby hair
And knockety knees
You thought you’d move mountains
And live as you choose
Too bad that the mountain
Fell down on upon youze!
Here come the youngsters
It’s no longer your day
They’re faster and smarter
So…Get out of the way!
Dr. Souse is the nom de plume of John Matuszak. Illustrations are by Matt Wyatt, with sincere apologies to the good Doctor.
